HEY NET, WE NEED TO TALK

See that picture? Ignore the fact that Teemu Selanne and the Anaheim Ducks are evil-doers. That puck? It's in the net.

Why can't that happen to UMD? It's not like they're not trying. It's not like they don't have good players. It's not like they don't deserve a bounce or two because they've created bad karma by playing dirty hockey and instigating fights (oh, the irony, given the opponent).

Instead, you're torturing us. You tease us with your twine, and the iron that precedes seems to serve as a magnet for the puck.

For over 230 minutes, you kept our fair Bulldogs at bay. You do us no favors, but you don't treat anyone else the way you treat us. It just doesn't seem fair. Why don't you like us?

Were you mad when one of our boys crashed into you while chasing a loose puck? It's understandable, but remember that we're not mad at you. We're trying to score. And you won't let us.

Listen. This is a big weekend for UMD. Two wins put them back in good NCAA Tournament position, and they assure that the Gophers will be comically traveling to play a first-round WCHA playoff series for the first time since 1998. We'd all enjoy that, and I think we're due to see it.

I only ask that you stop being mean to our Bulldogs. They don't need any special treatment like North Dakota does. Just be fair to the two sides, and the likes of Sharp/Kemp/McKnight/Gergen/Fulton and others will do the rest.

I'll be watching in Minneapolis. And I'll send Gawryletz after you if you don't acquiesce.